I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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