Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
