You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
