Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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