Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
