New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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