We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
