Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
