last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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