I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
