They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
