Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
