Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
