he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
