defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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