I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
