best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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