What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
