He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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