my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
