He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
