i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
