I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The beer is more important than you right now.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
