my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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