Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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