Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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