You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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