youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
