Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize