You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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