worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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