Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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