I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
