Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
