Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
