when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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