so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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