Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
