hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
