I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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