toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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