Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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