he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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