is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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