My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
