she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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