3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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