Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
