the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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