i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
