so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
