nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize