would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize