I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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