Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
