I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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