she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
