she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
