FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
