i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
